antara yakin dan bossy

kembali dari jajahan pulau 2 hari, simpulannya : total failure. kecuali pada bab perjalanan pergi dan balik kami yg selamat.

saya rimas dgn sifat kawalan. mengawal dan mengampu pengawal.
hak masing2 yg hendak dinafikan. kebebasan dewasa yg cuba disekat. tapi, sifat sendiri dikecualikan. saya tak faham kenapa ditafsir begitu.

pulang kami disambut kabar mengejutkan. sahabat hampir hilang nyawa, dan pembawa beritanya di maki.
fikiran yg mudah dipengaruhi. minit pertama : penerimaannya jelas dan positif. minit seterusnya berubah mengikut arus. jadi, apa haknya kami ini? perlu ada penunjuk pemikiran? sudah lah, sudah tua. kayuh la sendiri. kemudi la sendiri.

ketumbit dan hari ibu?

mengisahkan seorang budak yg sering kena ketumbit. ntah mana silapnya, ketumbit akan tiba.. mata kiri, mata kanan, semua dah kena. sampai satu tahap ketumbit akan naik di hidung dan ada kalanya di atas kepala atau di punggung. lalu ibunya mengambil sepotong akar herba (yg MASYA ALLAH pahitnya), dikupas licin dan disumbatkan ke dalam seketul pisang. lalu ibu itu berkata: nak kuat tak? kalau nak, cuba telan pisang ni.. lantas saya menelan pisang itu ala seorg hero bagi membuktikan bahawa saya ini kuat! sejak itu, ketumbit tidak pernah lagi tumbuh di mana2 bahagian tubuh saya..

that was 20 years ago.. looking back, i was blessed to be an often-sick child. extra attention, extra care and plus being the eldest daughter after 4 sons were the best pangkat anyone could ever had. i was the baby in my family for 7 years before my other brother and a sister came along. it was fun watching these 2 growing up while me and my elder brothers were already have a lot in mind. a lot..

growing up in a family full of boys was never easy for me. it was hard! i was always labelled as 'the girl' and i don't really like that. whatever i do there will always be a limit and comparison. my brothers, being boys, they were always 'creative'. when they cook, they put udang and other seafood in meggi, they will be considered as 'pandai masak'. me, if i do the exact same thing, i will be considered as 'malas masak'. same thing goes to...errr almost everything i guess. limitations and expectations. but, for whatever reasons, i think growing up is the best term anyone could ever experienced. if u don't have a memorable childhood; its hard to determine wheater u are a grown person or not. and i consider my self as a grown woman.. proud? why not??

last weekend, it has been 5 years. we spend almost half an hour at the very usual spot. i lost my self 5 years ago and it felt like a part of me has been taken away. maybe i still do.. and this week will be the appreciation week. if she is still around, we will definitely celebrate it. i will celebrate it, with my own way.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all mothers. especially to the ones who has multiple double trouble children!!

OBSES

hidup ni kalau kita terlampau sibuk mengejar, mesti ada sesuatu yg tertinggal di perjalanan.

sederhana.

pengalaman yg mampu mengubah tanggapan hidup.

kejadian yg boleh merubah perancangan.

harapan. utk terus hidup.

misi mencari

misi mencari akan gagal lagi.

kenapa susah sgt nak berjaya?

antara hidup dgn mati, jurangnya ialah mencari.

kenapa lenggoknya yg mesti saya ikut?

pulang dari negara matahari terbit, saya dapati kekurangan pada dirinya. geraknya tidak sprt dulu. putarannya ada kecacatan. mungkin itu balasannya saya serahkan hak penjagaan pada org yg kurang mengerti. bukan salah mereka, mereka hanya patuh. sudahnya saya yg paksa. atau mungkin sudah tiba masanya.

mulut terasa pahit. salah beli. tidak semanis yg biasa. takkan nak buang kot.

minggu yg susah. saya diletak ketepi kerana situasi. perlu kah saya memaksa? kalau memang saya tiada kriteria, darah daging bukan alasan. yg perlu saya buat, saya bergerak ke tmpt yg saya lebih selesa. masanya utk kepentingan diri. peluk diri dan tunduk.

agaknya mereka malu wujudnya saya antara mereka.

rindu

jika ditanya tentang siapa yg paling saya rindu, tanpa pikir panjang saya akan jawab “Mak”
tiada satu hari pun fikiran saya terlepas dari bayangan ibu saya
ibu saya garang, tegas dan panas; tapi tiada org lain yg dpt menyayangi saya sehebat mak menyanyangi saya. tapak tangannya boleh memanaskan pipi saya tapi kerap kali menyejukkan hati saya.

sepanjang hidup saya akan merinduinya
anda bagaimana?
who do you miss the most?

mimpi lagi

mimpi
malam ini mimpi lagi
dalam mimpi saya tewas. sering tewas.
ruang itu gelap. tiada warna

saya duduk diam. jantung berdegup pantas.
lantas saya terjaga dgn peluh.
itu mimpi ngeri.
mimpi ngeri kerana saya keseorangan tiada teman.
dalam jaga saya selesa, tapi dalam mimpi saya berdebar..

IRIS

And I'd give up forever to touch you

Because I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

Because sooner or later it's over

I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me

Because I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me

Because I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me

Because I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me

Because I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am